He

2011-02-12T03:42:00.000-08:00

Here's one of the most significant events in my life. . .

August 11, 2010

BACKGROUNDER:

I was reminded that I needed a ‘me-time’. According to Prof. Robles, a former prof here in UP, this quiet time is necessary regardless of who we wish to talk to: an imaginary friend, a long lost relative or a divinity we call, God. I didn’t really want to talk to anyone in particular. I just wanted to reflect on the past weeks which seemed to suck the life out of me.

We were given two weeks for our Review of Related Literature. On the last 3 days before the submission, I crammed everything. Result: I only had 6-7 hours of sleep, and that was supposed to be enough to sustain me for 3 days. My misery didn’t end here. Our group presentation for BC 181 exhausted the remaining juices from my brain cells and kinda gave me goosebumps thinking that I had to present in front of Sir Guieb, the professor I worship, literally.

I had to live one day at a time, taking and facing each responsibility one after the other. Couldn’t overwhelm myself, lest I end up having a nervous breakdown.

After my RRL and 181 presentation last Wed, I had to work on my report and research instrument for 199. But since I was damn too exhausted, I wanted to meet w/ him.

WHAT HAPPENED:

NAG-AWAY KAMI! P***! That was the last thing I wanted and expected to happen. We’ve not REALLY talked for more than a month yet that moment, kung kalian nagkita na kami sa wakas, nag-away kami. LET ME CORREC THAT, INAWAY KO SIYA!!!

He made me wait for him for 30 mins, though it felt like forever, while he was enjoying his volleyball game. Mind you, waiting has always been my weakness. HINDI KO KAYANG MAGHINTAY AT AYOKO NG NAGHIHINTAY LALO NA KUNG WALANG KASIGURUHAN SA HINIHINTAY KO. P***** i** TALAGA. At dahil hindi na kaya ng pasensya ko, I demanded that he leave the court. Dun na nagsimula ang pambibitch ko. I felt like I had all the right to bitch him. SO I DID and I DID IT WELL ;)

WHAT I THOUGHT AND FELT:

The situation was like a metaphor of a bigger picture that’s happening between us. Nandito ako sa upuan, naghihintay. Naghihintay nang naghihintay kahit walang kasiguruhan sa pagdating ng hinihintay ko. Walang kasiguruhan kung hanggang kailan ako dapat maghintay. Walang kasiguruhan kung DAPAT BA talaga akong maghintay.

Sa paghihintay kong ‘to, feeling ko ako ang talunan. Minamasdan ko siya ngunit tila di niya namamalayan ang oras. Masyado siyang nasisiyahan sa kanyang ‘paglalaro’. Alam kong mahal niya ang kanyang ginagawa, kaya nga hindi ko sana siya gustong abalahin. Ganunpaman, pa’no naman ang oras ko? Am i being selfish again if I demand that he give me time? ‘Yan ang isa sa mga ipinuputok ng butsi ko nang mga panahong iyon

WHAT HAPPENED NEXT:

We were in his car. No words from me. He asked if I wanted to eat. No response. He asked if I was hungry. No response. He said sorry. I cried. He said please. I continued crying. He offered an OREO. I looked at him and started to laugh, but tried to control it. I told him that I was still angry. He said he doesn’t understand me. I started ranting about past similar events. He said sorry. I didn’t stop ranting. I punched and slapped him.

I was a monster that moment. But as usual, he knew how to tame me.

“Kung may boyfriend ka at ganyan ang gagawn mo, mag-aaway lang kayo”, para siyang nanunumbat.

“Of course not, coz he wouldn’t be someone like you!” I was defensive.

“Hindi talaga. Kasi kung ibang tao ang nasa posisyon ko, kanina ka pa niya winalk-outan. Kahit maglupasay ka pa diyan”

I started crying louder. Hindi ko kinaya ang mga sinabi niya.

WHAT I THOUGHT AND FELT:

Siya lang ba talaga ang kayang tumagal sa’kin at this point? Pa’no kung tama siya? Will other people be willing and able to embrace me whenever I mutate into a monster? I cried coz I was so threatened by the possibility of his presumption.

WHAT HAPPENED NEXT:

Okay na kami. Magkakwentuhan at magkakulitan na ulit. We ate in Trigo, one of those few fine dinings in UP known only to a few. We talked about this guy who I foresee as my future husband.

“Yun? Yung bading?”, he teases.

“So? I see the greatness in him despite his flaws.”

“Eh bakit ako, bading din naman”

“I don’t see the greatness in you eh”

“Hindi ako affected, obvious lie ‘yang sinabi mo eh”

Lagi na lang akong walang lusot. He knew me that well. Tumahimik na lang ako.

“Hindi mo siya mahal. Malalaman mo lang ‘yan pag nagging couple na kayo”, he reiterates.

“Sa tingin mo ba, minahal kita nung high school?”

“Wag na ibalik ang past”

“Sabi mo kasi malalaman mo lang na mahal mo ang isang tao ‘pag nagging couple na kayo at nakita mo na pa’no kayo mag-away. Tingin mo minahal kita nung high school? Naging couple tayo eh.”

“Uh, selfish ka pa masyado dati eh. Feeling ko excuse mo lang yung sinabi mo about God and all nung nakipagbreak ka.”

“So you think hindi kita kinayang tagalan kaya ako nakipagbreak?”

“I dunno. Tsaka feeling ko hindi mo narereciprocate yung love ko nun”

I was so frustrated and saddened. “Ganun din ang feeling ko nun”

“Tama na, nakaka-frustrate lang. Pareho pala nating iniisip na di narereciprocate yung love natin for each other nun”

We no longer brought the topic up again. I was left wondering.

We arrived at the Katipunan terminal, then we hugged and I ended our bonding with a kiss. That was the first time I kissed him after our break-up. I missed him, a lot.

The soon to be butterfly

2011-02-12T03:24:00.000-08:00

What people say about Angel:

“So active! Full of energy and vitality. Must be the effect of her usual Milo-in-rice diet” -Rommel R., father

“A modern woman who hates religiosity. . .When I look in her eyes, I see passion. She has such a huge heart” –Steve M., Pastor

“She’ll be the Esther of her generation. . .” - Sunday T., Pastor

“ ‘Pag may nakita kang bumibili ng hotdog sandwich na walang catsup, walang mayonnaise o mustard, wala talagang iba kundi hotdog at sandwich lang, matched with mineral water na hindi malamig – si Maica ‘yun” -Ray S., ex-boyfriend

“She may come off as intimidating to other people, but that’s only because she is firm in what she believes in, speaks out and asserts herself whenever she deems it necessary. Behind this tough personality is a woman capable of loving and caring for others in more ways than one.” - Roxanne U., orgmate, college bestfriend

“Dati sabay kaming nanghuhuli ng mga butete (tadpole) sa ilog, tapos tutuhugin namin sa stick. . .”- Roxanne A., bestfriend

“She’s the sweetest beb”-Desiree dL., Sorority sister

“She has endless stories and dominates conversations, but she also wants to hear something from you. She can’t give you good jokes, but would always give your jokes a good laugh. She’s very poor with road directions, so make sure you know your way. . . She’s always in a mission, be excited joining her. She loves her family and friends so much, so if you want to win her, win them first.”- Euge M., churchmate

“ Most know her as a youth leader, a capable student, a loving daughter and a great co worker. But those of us who have been with her on her path to growing up; we all know Maica as a good friend who will stay with you through the years.” -Neil L., highschool friend

“We were bullies back then. . .” - Marlo A., elementary bestfriend

caterpillars and butterflies

He

The soon to be butterfly